Intimate Inquiries #1 — What’s Alive, Meeting the Present Moment, and Fatherhood

I’m experimenting with a new short-form format called Intimate Inquiries.

For every issue of Intimate Inquiries, I’ll share three questions that I’m sitting with and exploring right now.

The primary desire of this experiment is to explore:

• how to use short-form writing to increase frequency of writing in a way that feels sustainable and enlivening.

• share more vulnerably what’s alive in my life right now.

• inspire more inquiry and curiosity in your own life.

I welcome comments and feedback about anything I share.

1. What’s alive in your life right now?

I started this newsletter as I was vacationing with my in-laws at a beach in North Carolina. This is my favorite question for catching up with friends who I haven’t seen for some time. It’s also the question that sits at the heart of Intimate Inquiries, where I’m answering “What’s alive in my life right now?” in the form of three questions.

After years of experimenting with how to create deep intimacy quickly, I’ve found this to be the most direct and generally effective question for creating connection. It cuts through the small talk and goes directly to the heart of what’s important to someone in their lives in the present moment. It can sometimes require a certain level of courage or vulnerability to both ask and answer. It’s a solid starting question at a gathering — whether it’s with a friend or a yet-to-be friend.

Feel free to experiment with it and use it. Let me know how it goes.

2. How can I meet the present moment head-on?

For much of my life, I’ve over-thought the confrontation of decisions and conversations that feel scary. When that happens, my thought forms loop around the scary thing. I catch myself playing out conversations in my head or debating whether and when to say something that’s important to me.

It’s one thing to sit down and consciously prepare for an upcoming decision or conversation. It’s another thing to spiral in unconscious thought or planning.

I recently sat through an ayahuasca experience where I was directly shown how the unconscious planning keeps me in the experience of preparing for a future moment instead of facing the present moment head on. It originates from a young part in me who’s afraid. And it leaks precious energy and presence in my life.

What I’ve noticed about the scary things that precipitate mental loops is that they always involve a point of tension. Most often, it’s the tension that arises when my desires require me to reveal myself and connect with another person in a vulnerable way, and the connection point brings up some fear in me.

The avoidance of the tension keeps me in certainty and safety. The looping in the mind is known and familiar. But it is also a prison.

Confronting the tension crosses me over a threshold of mystery, where I don’t know what might happen on the other side. That uncertainty is scary, and yet, it’s also the place of freedom and the source of magic and possibility in life.

And so here’s my current experiment:

What happens if I consistently turn toward the scary thing? What happens if I powerfully face the mystery, in the present moment? What happens if I catch myself when I loop and consciously and boldly blurt the scary thing, so that I’m present with the mystery?

How much energy do I free up? How much awareness do I liberate? What magic do I unlock on the other side?

I’m eager to find out.

3. What’s the highest-leverage thing I can do to prepare for fatherhood?

My wife and I are 24 weeks pregnant with our first child, and the due date has felt like a threshold of mystery and uncertainty. As much as I’ve talked with other parents and fathers, I have no idea how my felt sense of life will change on the other side.

When we first found out we were pregnant, I had this idea in me that the best way to prepare for fatherhood would be to sit with plant medicine. Plant medicine (ayahuasca, psilocybin, and iboga in particular) has played such a big role in my own evolution and growth. What would be more effective preparation than to sit with plant medicine and increase my capacity to be with what is and to know myself better in ever-deepening ways?

And having just come back from an 8-day men’s retreat with ayahuasca and huachuma, I’m delighted to report that I was right!

I feel more excited about fatherhood than I’ve ever felt. To be with a group of men, mostly fathers, who chose to spend their Father’s Day doing deep inner work was a great honor and privilege. I left with a deeper level of reverence and devotion to what it means to show up in the healthy masculine.

Last year, I met with an intuitive reader who told me that our child wasn’t going to play small. They’re going to play big and challenge me, and I would need to expand into the man and father I need to be to show up for them. For a long time, I’d thought of fatherhood as restrictive of my freedoms, but that conversation completed changed my frame — fatherhood will actually be a journey of expansion for me.

That feels as true as ever right now, and I’m super excited about the threshold of mystery and magic that my wife and I are about to cross.

As we near the third trimester and I continue to prepare for our newborn, I’m curious for the fathers out there:

What’s your highest-leverage piece of wisdom you have for a father-to-be, particularly for the three months before and after the baby’s birth?

It could be a practical tip, a lesson, a high-ROI purchase, or anything else. I’d love to hear it.

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P.S. Enrollment for the Fall 2024 cohort of Mastering Desire that starts in 6 weeks is now open. It’s a 4-week program focused on connecting you with your soul’s deepest desires — the ones that feel scary and vulnerable to own and yet would significantly change your life. I’m super proud of the new landing page we’ve recently built, featuring some of the life-changing stories and testimonials from participants from the last cohort. More details coming soon, but you can check it out now and apply early to secure your spot.